The little unexpected things

Things will get easier in time.  Time heals all wounds.  For me, the more time that goes by, the more confusing things become.  The more time that goes by, my heart hurts a little more because it’s been one more day since I have seen or talked to Danny.  Yesterday I said something that kind of just plopped out of my mouth, and I wanted to immediately shove it right back in.  The words a 28 year old should never have to say: “My late husband.”  Ew.  The man at the liquor store (girls gotta have wine!) asked “Do you mind if I ask who the tattoo is of on your arm?” I said “My husband” Pause. “..late husband.”  It seemed like some big pivotal moment for me, a step forward in some way, but totally freaked me out.  I think I’ll avoid that one for a while.

I hate that there has to be a label.  Widow.  Surviving spouse.  Late husband.  Not that they are bad, they are just words to explain situations.  But fuck, those words make things confusing!  Why can't I just be Danny's wife and he be 'my husband' forever?  That was the plan.  I realize that by saying “late” means that the person died; maybe that’s the reason it was so hard and shocking to actually say.  What’s worse is when others refer to Danny as my Ex-husband.  Ouch.  That’s like taking a bullet.  I never got divorced, never separated.  Above all else, I still feel married.  I still wear my wedding rings, and catch myself talking about Danny in the present...but I think that’s ok.  It’s what works for me and that is what is most important.  I’m slowly learning that healing comes from doing what’s best for me, and that's not as easy as one would think.  I have always cared so much about other people’s opinions and I hate that.  Why can't things just 'be'?  I feel like whatever I do, or don’t do, there will always be judgement.  One little unexpected word even caused me to judge myself yesterday.  I guess we just have to be ourselves, do and say what we want or feel is best, and that's that.