Intuition: it’s there for a reason, and it’s usually right

Two years ago today, close friends and family went out to give Danny what would be his final send off from his hometown of Abington, MA.  I remember sitting at the bar just crying at the thought of him leaving; I was the girl with tear filled eyes wiping her nose with her sleeve.   I always hated being away from Danny for any period of time, but, I don’t know… this felt different.  I didn’t have the thought that he wasn’t going to ever come home, but I just did not want him to go.  As always, we made the best of it and toasted the night away.   Danny being Danny, he of course lightened the situation and made sure everyone was having fun and not sad at his expense.  “Guys...I’ll be back in March!” I heard him say so many times.

This is the last picture taken of us together from that night...

...and another of some friends and family.

I wish I could have frozen time, because the next day came way too fast.  It’s really hard not knowing when you are going to see your husband again.  With the military, you have a vague idea but you never really know.  We had a couple more hours until he had to take off but I felt like he was already gone.  

Saying goodbye is the absolute worst.  Deployments suck.  September 1^st, the day I was dreading, had arrived.  We all went out to lunch and tried to convince him to stay just a little bit longer.  He had a long drive to North Carolina so he wanted to head out relatively early.  1:00PM rolled around and he started his goodbyes.  Everyone hugged and kissed him goodbye with tears in their eyes.  I felt sick to my stomach and didn’t want to let him go.  He got in his car and we all watched out the window as he drove away.  Something inside me was just like ‘no, that can’t be it’, so I ran as fast as I could out the front door and chased him down screaming his name.  I leaned in the window, told him I loved him, and kissed him goodbye one last time. 

Just like that, a piece of me was gone.  Yet another countdown would begin until I would see him again. 

Intuition: the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Though I know the strong urge to chase after Danny that day was my intuition telling me that I needed one last kiss, there is something else that will never leave my mind.  I never talked to Danny about the possibility of never seeing him again.  I couldn’t even bare the thought of it, so I definitely didn’t want to talk about it.  He would sometimes bring it up and I would instantly cut him off.  “Shut up! Don’t even say that.  That will never happen.”  

I last talked to Danny on December 22, 2013; we had just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary on the 19^th.  I was at the mall, in the shoe department at Macy’s.  It's funny the 'lasts'-you tend to remember every little detail.  I can't remember what I had for lunch today but I know exactly where I was for our last phone call, even though at the time I didn't know it was our last.  Or did I?  We talked about his plans for opening a bar and that he wanted to use the VA loan for a business loan rather than trying to buy a house.  He knew what he wanted and that was his top priority.  We talked about living situations and I begged him to let me move to North Carolina when he returned.  I didn’t want to be away from him any longer than I had to.  He wouldn’t be there much longer, so he didn’t want to waste money moving everything and worried about me settling somewhere new and having to find a job, etc.  I didn’t care.  I just wanted to be with him. 

That night, I sent him a message on Facebook and I said something that I have never once said during our entire 12 year relationship.  I don’t know why I said it, but something inside me felt it. 

Danny never read this and he was killed hours after I sent it...and that kills me.  So as the day approaches of the last time I talked to my husband in person, last kissed him goodbye, last saw his face, I am missing him more than ever. 

The little unexpected things

Things will get easier in time.  Time heals all wounds.  For me, the more time that goes by, the more confusing things become.  The more time that goes by, my heart hurts a little more because it’s been one more day since I have seen or talked to Danny.  Yesterday I said something that kind of just plopped out of my mouth, and I wanted to immediately shove it right back in.  The words a 28 year old should never have to say: “My late husband.”  Ew.  The man at the liquor store (girls gotta have wine!) asked “Do you mind if I ask who the tattoo is of on your arm?” I said “My husband” Pause. “..late husband.”  It seemed like some big pivotal moment for me, a step forward in some way, but totally freaked me out.  I think I’ll avoid that one for a while.

I hate that there has to be a label.  Widow.  Surviving spouse.  Late husband.  Not that they are bad, they are just words to explain situations.  But fuck, those words make things confusing!  Why can't I just be Danny's wife and he be 'my husband' forever?  That was the plan.  I realize that by saying “late” means that the person died; maybe that’s the reason it was so hard and shocking to actually say.  What’s worse is when others refer to Danny as my Ex-husband.  Ouch.  That’s like taking a bullet.  I never got divorced, never separated.  Above all else, I still feel married.  I still wear my wedding rings, and catch myself talking about Danny in the present...but I think that’s ok.  It’s what works for me and that is what is most important.  I’m slowly learning that healing comes from doing what’s best for me, and that's not as easy as one would think.  I have always cared so much about other people’s opinions and I hate that.  Why can't things just 'be'?  I feel like whatever I do, or don’t do, there will always be judgement.  One little unexpected word even caused me to judge myself yesterday.  I guess we just have to be ourselves, do and say what we want or feel is best, and that's that.