Two years ago today, close friends and family went out to
give Danny what would be his final send off from his hometown of Abington,
MA. I remember sitting at the bar just
crying at the thought of him leaving; I was the girl with tear filled eyes
wiping her nose with her sleeve. I always hated being away from Danny for any
period of time, but, I don’t know… this felt different. I didn’t have the thought that he wasn’t
going to ever come home, but I just did not want him to go. As always, we made the best of it and toasted
the night away. Danny being Danny, he of course lightened the
situation and made sure everyone was having fun and not sad at his
expense. “Guys...I’ll be back in March!” I
heard him say so many times.
This is the last picture taken of us together from that night...
...and another of some friends and family.
I wish I could have frozen time, because the next day came
way too fast. It’s really hard not
knowing when you are going to see your husband again. With the military, you have a vague idea but you never
really know. We had a couple more hours
until he had to take off but I felt like he was already gone.
Saying goodbye is the absolute worst. Deployments suck. September 1st, the day I was
dreading, had arrived. We all went out
to lunch and tried to convince him to stay just a little bit longer. He had a long drive to North Carolina so he wanted
to head out relatively early. 1:00PM
rolled around and he started his goodbyes.
Everyone hugged and kissed him goodbye with tears in their eyes. I felt sick to my stomach and didn’t want to
let him go. He got in his car and we all
watched out the window as he drove away.
Something inside me was just like ‘no, that can’t be it’, so I ran as
fast as I could out the front door and chased him down screaming his name. I leaned in the window, told him I loved him, and kissed him goodbye one last time.
Just like that, a piece of me was gone. Yet another countdown would begin until I
would see him again.
Intuition: the ability to understand something
immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
Though I know the strong urge to chase after Danny that day
was my intuition telling me that I needed one last kiss, there is something
else that will never leave my mind. I
never talked to Danny about the possibility of never seeing him again. I couldn’t even bare the thought of it, so I
definitely didn’t want to talk about it.
He would sometimes bring it up and I would instantly cut him off. “Shut up! Don’t even say that.
That will never happen.”
I
last talked to Danny on December 22, 2013; we had just celebrated our 4 year
wedding anniversary on the 19th.
I was at the mall, in the shoe department at Macy’s. It's funny the 'lasts'-you tend to remember every little detail. I can't remember what I had for lunch today but I know exactly where I was for our last phone call, even though at the time I didn't know it was our last. Or did I? We talked about his plans for opening a bar
and that he wanted to use the VA loan for a business loan rather than trying to
buy a house. He knew what he wanted and
that was his top priority. We talked
about living situations and I begged him to let me move to North Carolina when
he returned. I didn’t want to be away
from him any longer than I had to. He
wouldn’t be there much longer, so he didn’t want to waste money moving
everything and worried about me settling somewhere new and having to find a
job, etc. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with him.
That night, I sent him a message on Facebook and I said
something that I have never once said during our entire 12 year
relationship. I don’t know why I said
it, but something inside me felt it.
Danny never read this and he was killed hours after I sent it...and that kills me. So as the day approaches of the last time I talked to my husband in person, last kissed him goodbye, last saw his face, I am missing him more than ever.
Tons of hugs and prayers for you, Erin!
ReplyDeleteThank you Katie! <3
DeleteTears.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad is taking good care of Danny.
❤️
Thanks, Karen! I agree..I can't imagine the stories they are sharing!
DeleteYou are beautiful. This writing is beautiful. Your heart is everything.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much :)
DeleteYou guys share a strong bond, time flies. You will meet again Erin.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I sure hope so. Time definitely flies..can't believe we are coming up on two years this December..but feels like a lifetime at the same time.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI found you because I followed a van with a memorial to Danny on the back window. I needed to know more, so I poked around on the Internet until I found this blog. You are a very talented writer. Most of us know some loss, and some healing but none of us can know your loss as you do. You are poignant and honest. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete